My Bum has Gone Numb and Artificial Eyes
Written at 1:13 p.m. on 2006-08-21
My Bum Has Gone Numb.
I�m at work and I�ve been sat on my arse for so long that it has now gone completely numb. This is unusual as my arse normally has remarkable resistance to being sat on for hours at a time but it�s possible that the problem has been caused by the sheer amount of time I sat on my arse yesterday. Thought for the day.
This weekend we went to M�s friend Jase�s leaving do in St Andrews. His parents were throwing a big party for him at their house so despite the fact that we have no money at all we decided to go along coz he�s a great lad and was an usher at our wedding. After all, we think, it�s only about 3 hours in the car from Manchester to St Andrews isn�t it? Well no, it turns out that it is actually slightly over 5 hours from Manchester to St Andrews with an extra half hour to be added for driving around some pissy little one horse town that had no road signs thereby leaving us totally lost.
Anyway, eventually we arrive, book into the B&B and head off to the party. It was a great laugh, met some top blokes who were friends of Jase�s and who reminded of my mates back here. One of them confessed at about midnight that before we arrived they were having the usual sordid boy debate about exactly how much money you would have to be paid to give a blow job to a man and then we got there and because I was a girl the conversation instantly changed to polite matters and small talk. I informed them that I was more used to boy conversations and this led onto the highly intellectual debate �If someone held a gun to your head and you had to choose would you rather drink piss or have sex with George W Bush?� The general consensus by the way was that piss was vastly preferable.
We also met Jase�s new girlfriend. He had a different one at the wedding who was a really good laugh and very feisty. Unfortunately he has now reverted back to wimpy little �yes� girls who hang off his every word and gaze longingly after him all evening. This one came with an irritating attitude of �I�m looking down on you slightly because you�re drunk and not very ladylike�. Well fair enough I�m drunk, I�m smoking, I�m swearing like a sailor and I�m having a debate with some men I�ve never met before about whether they would have gay sex for 30 million pounds which isn�t terribly ladylike but hey, I�ve made a load of new friends and been invited to a housewarming party of someone I haven�t met before. But what was she doing? Sitting primly on her own looking like she has got a wasp up her bum and giving disapproving looks to those around her. If that�s ladylike you can keep it, thanks. M and some of the boys took it in turns to try and chat to her because she seemed to have been on her own quite a lot but they just got filthy stares and one word answers so they soon gave up and none of them were willing to try it more than once. Why are some people so miserable? Bizarre.
We got back at 3am and breakfast was served at 8.30am so we duly drag our pathetic, tired, hungover arses out of bed and down to the dining table. You know when you�re really hungover and you just want everyone to go away and leave you alone to sit in your own little world of self inflicted misery? Well no such luck. The landlady, who to be fair was a very nice woman, decided she wanted to chat to us. So she did, solidly for three quarters of an hour. Then she informed us that she had an artificial eye because she�d been shot in the eye with an air rifle years back and proceeded to prove it by poking herself repeatedly in the damn thing. M and I just sat there, transfixed with appalled fascination that this woman who won�t be quiet is prodding herself in the eye with the end of a fork. It was so Fawlty Towers. She then offered to show us how you take it in and out. We both let out a rather strangled yelp of �NO� and made some excuse about going to pack the cases before shooting upstairs to relative safety.
All in all a strange but entertaining weekend!
Oh and on a totally unrelated subject I�ve had a big chat with my errant bridesmaid and discovered that she had a lot of family problems that she hadn�t told anyone about which is why she had been the way she was. We�ve sorted everything out and it�s all good now. Hurrah!
