Sunny Manchester
Written at 9:28 a.m. on 2006-06-20
Sunny Manchester
It�s sunny here in Manchester again. We�ve had more days of sunshine in the past couple of weeks than we usually have all summer and this year I have managed to unearth a portable airconditioning unit from the back of Nigel�s office so I can actually breathe. If anyone tries to remove my unit from my office I will rugby tackle them to the ground and force them to give it back.
Have just been going through the post and we have a questionnaire about some bloke from the Industrial Industries Compensation Board. In other words he�s decided he�s so badly injured that he can�t work anymore and has to receive taxpayers money in order to stay at home and not work. So I went through the accident list to find him. The horrific injury that has so badly mauled him that he requires compensation? A cut and minor bruising to the 3rd finger on the left hand. He isn�t even bloody well left handed for god�s sake. The number of scrounging wasters in this country has gone mental and it looks like we�re heading for the US system of sueing someone for everything, �Oh my god, you farted in the lift next to me, that�s psychological trauma and personal distress, you�ll be hearing from my lawyers�. I seem to be spending more and more time fannying about collecting stuff together to defend against personal injury claims. One cheeky arsehole tried to sue us for vibration whitefinger for a period of time that he didn�t actually work for us. Stupid sod. If you�re going to try it on, at least do your homework.
I�ve just been sat here writing a speech coz my friend Lou announced yesterday that she wants me to read a Shakespeare sonnet and a poem during her wedding ceremony and to make a speech at her wedding on Saturday. There�s nothing like having plenty of notice!! Here�s my speech, any comments or feedback would be very welcome:
SPEECH
When Lou asked me to make a speech at her wedding reception I sat down and had a think about what I should talk about. I thought about going into the times we used to make mud in the back garden and come in looking like a pair of swamp monsters or maybe the time we read George�s Marvellous Medicine then went into my parent�s bathroom and mixed the entire contents of the bathroom cupboard into brightly coloured and very fragrant potions. You can imagine how well that went down in our house.
I also considered talking about the time we found a giant poo in the paddling pool or our teenage years when we used to hang around in Springwater Park drinking the kind of cider based paintstripper that even tramps think twice about.
But I decided against going into detail on any of these topics because they make me look mad as well as Lou, so instead I found Lou some very wise advice from a 1950s Home Ec textbook called �Women: Look,listen and take heed�:
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Prepare the children, take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise from the washer, dryer, and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to see him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Your goal. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity.
Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
Very sound advice I�m sure you�ll agree and Lou, I know that it is going to be followed as rigorously in your house as it is in mine. I just want to wish you and Barry every happiness in your new life and I hope you have as many mad and silly times together as you�ve had with your friends over the years.
