PsychoTrollop
Written at 11:19 a.m. on 2007-10-22
Monday morning, it's dark, I'm tired and it's time to rant, so here, in an attempt to stop me from spontaneously combusting sue to an excess of annoyance, is 'F is for Friend's Psycho Girlfriend / Wife'. If it's full of spelling mistakes then I apologise, I'm venting.
You know how it is, we've all seen it. You're friends with someone of the opposite sex, you have been for years. Sure, it may have started out as something more romantic, might have been that way for a while but that was years ago, now you're just great mates and all is good. Or at least it is until your friends hooks up with PsychoTrollop. PyschoTrollop is a girl with issues, she's got more baggage that British Airways and she keeps The Samaritans on speed dial. She's been out with a succession of losers and now that she's found someone who doesn't gamble with the mortgage money / smoke opium / sell illegally imported wild animals / drink 9 litres of cider per day she's determined to keep them and if that means eradicating all his friends that aren't on her 'approved' list from his life then so be it. In her head you're a girl and you're friends with her man so at some point this means you're going to turn up in the front garden wearing nothing but a pair of Manolos and declaring your undying love for him. Her method will follow a tried and tested route:
1) The tantrum - always the first port of call. If you ring then she'll kick off with him the minute you are off the phone, meaning he can only call you or receive your call if she isn't there. In some cases this is enough to convinced the man that his life will be quieter if he just gives up and drops you from his life but for the more tenacious chap, he now faces:
2) The silence - if he calls you, speaks to you, mentions your name, frosty silence will ensue. This will last for some time. Most will crack at this point but if he does manage to outmanouvre Madam Frostyknickers she will finish him off by bringing out the big guns:
3) The emotional blackmail - in other words tears. Yep, the one weapon no mere man can withstand, the tears. In most cases accompanied by the ever effective "If you really loved me you wouldn't be putting me through this". Rather than replying with the logical " Well if you loved me you wouldn't be thinking that I was going to do the horizontal tango with my friend and you would accept my mates for what they are", your friend will more than likely crumble in the face of PyschoTrollop's oscar winning emotional breakdown and you will be consigned to the scrapheap, along with any of his other mates that she didn't like. On the bright side there'll be a few of you so you can all get together for a pint and a character assasination. Perhaps if one of you is a bit artistic you could make a little voodoo doll.
Now don't get me wrong, not all women are like this, very few in fact but the Pyscho Girlfriend / wife is a creature to be feared and reviled, a bit like lepers were in the Middle Ages. Because if one of them gets their hooks into your friend he's finished, done for, consigned to a life of tears, tantrums and giving in. If he ditches you dont be angry with him, give him your sympathy and wish him luck - lord knows he's going to need it.
