Too Much Time
Written at 1:39 p.m. on 2006-10-12
Too Much Time
I knew it. I knew this was going to happen and it has already started. My mum has too much time on her hands now that she is no longer nursing my gran and she�s started with the conspiracies, half baked ideas and theories that she used to come up with before all her time was taken up nursing grandma.
When my last long term bloke, Ben, and me split up we moved out of the damp cottage we were living in because the roof needed work and we moved in with my mum and dad for a bit. My mum decided I was a closet lesbian. I�ve no idea why. Did she keep this information to herself? No she did not, she told family members, her friends, MY friends and probably the postman and the man who cleans the wheelie bin as well. It took me ages to work out why people kept ringing me and asking about my love life. When my brother and his now wife split up a couple of years ago her friend Gill made the splendid decision to tell mum to be careful because the rate of suicide among men in their twenties was rising. Well that was a fun time, I can tell you. �I don�t care if your brother just hit you, you can�t call him a wanker because we have to be sensitive of his feelings�, �You might have been watching that but he wants to watch Match of the Day and we have to be sensitive to his feelings�, �I don�t care if you and Ade are laughing at Monty Python, your brother might think you�re laughing at him and he�s very vulnerable now so cut it out�. I�m surprised my brother didn�t get us all sectioned, we must have been acting very strangely.
And now it starts again. Today I get an email from my brother �What the bloody hell have you said to Joyce? Mum has been on going on about how the future of the family line now lies with me because you told Joyce you weren�t ever having kids so that Joyce would report it to mum and you wouldn�t have to do it yourself�.
What the fuck?
What actually happened is that we were at Joyce and Steve�s (parent�s best friends house, parents of one of my best friends Lou, she was a bridesmaid) house on Saturday night having paella and a few drinks. Joyce and me went into the front garden for a cigarette and I happened to mention that I would like to get another dog to keep Geoffrey company because I think he gets lonely sometimes. Joyce asked if I wouldn�t prefer to give him a little 2 legged friend so I said no because we�re skint, I like my life as it is at the moment and social services don�t like it if you leave kids in the kitchen while you go out on the lash. So Joyce reports this back to my mum a la Chinese whispers and we end up with the above. Joyce is a fully fledged alcoholic who by the end of the evening had to be assisted to the loo because her legs no longer worked and she couldn�t speak so lord knows what kind of rehashed crap she has given my mum. However my mother shouldn�t have taken the word of someone who has sunk the better part of 2 jugs of wine and who is merrily cannoning off the walls as she walks. Anyway, if I had something I wanted to tell someone I would just bloody tell them, I wouldn�t rely on my mum�s pissed up best mate to relay the message. According to my bro she�s also having a rant at my job but I�ve got a nasty cold at the moment so I can�t even be bothered to enquire about that one.
Honestly. If past experience is anything to go by it�s only going to get worse as well. There�s a giant bucket of shit on the horizon and it�s got my name on it. Delightful.
