Busy Week
Written at 1:51 p.m. on 2006-05-11
Busy Week
My but it�s been a busy week and I�ll be glad when it�s over and done with. I�m knackered!
Monday was my gran�s funeral and to be fair my extended and dysfunctional family behaved with suprising grace and restraint. There wasn�t a punch up between my two aunts, which means I lost �2 to my brother who was running a book on whether there would be. There were a couple of cock ups in the speeches though. Firstly the vicar spent about 15 minutes enthusiastically gushing about how my gran was so proud of her grandchildren and constantly gave them her support. This was a little unfortunate considering that she fell out with our bit of the family in 1988 and didn�t speak to Ade till 1995, my brother till 1999 and me until about 3 months ago. The other major balls up was when the vicar started on about how the thoughts of everyone were with the family and then listed everyone. He got my French aunt�s name wrong and announced �Ailsa and Tony�. Ailsa, it would seem, neglected to tell the vicar that she and Tony had been divorced since he ran off with his PA and got her in the family way, taking their fortune with him and altering her status from �millionaire� to �penniless�. Actually I suppose that�s not quite fair, he gave her �100 000. Which is nice, but not really compensation for the three quarters of a million pound thatched cottage she signed over to him to save his ass when he cocked up some business deal or other. I�d like to point out at this point that my family aren�t chavs, they�re just a bit odd. I�d write a book about them but I don�t think anyone would believe me.
Then Tuesday and Wednesday I was on a work conference. I would say something interesting about it but I�m afraid I can�t think of anything. The hotel was fab though. They really should put me in charge of booking all the hotels, I�m great at it. Travel Inn my arse, this had Molton Brown cosmetics in the bathroom and I had a balcony overlooking the landscaped gardens. Lovely. Almost made up for the fact that I had to keep poking myself in the eye during the seminars in order to stay awake. Now the stupid things are all bloodshot. I suppose that at least I�m coordinating � colourwise they almost match the giant zit I have grown on my chin. It�s huge. Any time now the council are going to issue it it�s own postcode. This always happens when I get knackered.
This weekend I am off on Lou�s second hen night. She is having three which is ridiculous, especially as the hotel she�s having her wedding reception in is 40 miles from home and costs �120 a night. I�m dreading this hen night. All her cousins and aunts from Edinburgh are going and not only are they as rough as anything but they can all drink more that a troop of squaddies. They are apparently taking us on a fun bus tour of the chavtastic and seedy parts of Edinburgh. If I get bottled or get in a fight I will not be impressed, I get married in 9 weeks, I don�t have time for facial reconstructive surgery. It seemed like a good idea to agree to it when I was plastered about 4 months ago. Let this be a lesson children, never ever agree to anything when you�ve drunk your own bodyweight in what tastes suspiciously like Russian paint-stripper.
