I hurt
Written at 1:13 p.m. on 2006-02-28
Ouch.
For fuck�s sake. I went to the gym last night for my first workout and today I hurt in places that I had no idea I had.
First I went on something called a �cross-trainer�. This is a shiny grey thingy with steps and is straight from Satan�s exercise handbook. It got slightly easier when I realised that the stupid thing has different settings and I was on the �Macho prat� setting. Once I reset it to the �Pathetic half ass who drinks and smokes too much� setting it wasn�t quite so hideous.
Then we moved onto the rowing machines. This went ok until I realised that the reason other people were looking behind them a lot was that people walked behind you. I know this because I smacked some guy. Still, I don�t think I broke the guy�s knee and at least he didn�t hit me. In fact he took it fairly well for someone who is now sporting a limp.
The final thing M showed me was the treadmill. Now I don�t have the best balance on earth, my arms and legs are disproportionately long, giving me the stability of a pissed up camel, but even given this problem the treadmill was an odd sensation. I decided to test whether the machine stopped if you stopped walking. It doesn�t. All that happens is that you do a mad scramble to try and avoid being flung bodily off the back into an unsuspecting line of people on rowing machines who are busy looking behind them. I stayed on there for 30 minutes which I thought was very clever until I got off and my legs very nearly folded. M was nearly wetting himself with laughter as I wobbled off in the direction of the changing rooms. Very sympathetic I know. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest his gym shorts.
Honestly. The things I go through to try and look good. On the bright side I figured that the more I go to the gym the more chocolate and curry I can eat without becoming the size of a family car. Also I am most relieved that I never got into the concept of fake tan because there were a fair number of tangerine people in that gym.
Am going to have to go now because my shoulders hurt when I type. I have my induction on Thursday so if I never reappear you can assume that I have been flung into orbit by an overenthusiastic treadmill or something.
