Fat Bits
Written at 12:14 p.m. on 2005-09-23
It's official. I'm going to have to do something about my fat bits. I used to be a thin person, I used to go straight down but now things have gone very badly wrong. It seems that my mother might have been right, you can't spend you life living on chocolate and junk and expect to get away with it for ever. My best friend Cass has developed the same problem. We went to the China Lounge for dinner on Saturday (ideal really, when your lardy bits are threatening to take over your body) and when we went to the loo we make a wine-fuelled decision to have a good look at the roll of nastiness that had collected around our midriffs, the one we usually avoid looking at. So we're standing in front of the mirror seeing if we can make the fat bits look like smily faces when in walk 3 of the most gorgeous looking men I've ever seen. Who the hell thought up unisex toilets? Why did that seem like a good idea?
A few months ago I bought an exercise video. It's one of those bloody dance ones and it's really hard. When I first got it I spent 3 weeks lurching around the living room like a camel on absinthe with arms and legs going in all directions in a less than coordinated manner. I had to lock the dog in the kitchen every time I did the damn thing because i nearly knocked the poor creature out. Twice. After a while I began to get the hang of it, although the result was never what you'd call elegant. Still, I toned up nicely and looked very impressive. Then I fractured my kneecap and since then I've been totally unable to get back into it. I always seem to manage to find an excuse to do something else, something more important to do, as if the fact that my midriff is acquiring a texture like blancmange and is becoming increasingly difficult to squash into my clothes is not a problem. Tried my red dress on the other day and although I just managed to do the zip up, unless I could hold my breath I an entire wedding and reception it wasn't a good idea. No one is impressed by the person who maims other wedding guests with a high pressure zip explosion.
I am SO lazy. I really will have to do something about it. Perhaps I'll walk the dog to my parents tonight instead of driving. But it's raining. SEE?? I always come up with crap excuses!! I am destined to spend my life looking like a denim clad Volkswagen. Oh bugger.
